The real Danica.
Dear Danica Patrick,
Remember those almost laughable rumors of you going to the pinnacle of international motorsports, Formula One? Almost as laughable as the idea of there being a US Formula One team with American drivers that would actually succeed, but that's a whole other story. I say "laughable", not because there weren't people who were taking your potential move to F1 seriously, but because that's exactly what Bernie Ecclestone, President and CEO of the Formula One Administration, did when he heard the rumors. He wasn't the only one.
They say that it's better to be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt, and I can't help but think this quote is quite fitting in your particular situation. The level of racing you're used to in America doesn't quite compare to the level of racing at the very top of international motorsports. For starters, in order to be a top international driver, one must know how to turn left AND right, quite often in quick succession and in complex corners. You know, the kind of racing you said you are not a fan of? They must master some of the most daunting, dangerous, and difficult corners and tracks in the world under varying weather conditions including torrential rain and 100 degree heat. I'm not sure whether to thank Bernie and company for preserving the rich heritage of Formula One by "discouraging" your entry, or to rue the fact you were not able to prove once and for all on an international stage that women indeed can't drive.
But, as your fans will point out, you're a race winner! The first female to ever win in American open wheel racing! Too bad that statistic doesn't come with a footnote that you only led 3 of the 200 laps, and you were only turning one direction the whole time. But would that even matter? The whole reason you're popular is because of your marketability, it has nothing to do with your driving talent. How many other IRL drivers have ONE win and only THREE poles in FIVE years of racing whose names the general public would not even recognize? Take your nemesis Ryan Briscoe, for instance. This Australian has amassed SIX wins and TEN poles on ovals and tracks that turn both left AND right, in almost half the number of races you've competed in with probably well under half the budget you have at your disposal. Can you honestly say it's your driving skill that has made you popular, or perhaps you can admit it might just be your genitalia?
Notwithstanding your homely appearance, let's get back to your driving, most notably your recent pathetic qualifying attempt for the 2010 Indianapolis 500 (which in the race you were gifted a sixth place finish). Having so much talent at driving in circles, it came as great surprise to your fans and to yourself that you ended up a lowly 23rd when qualifying on the giant oval was all said and done.
Being the great sportsman (or in your case sportswoman, you can see why this is an oxymoron) that you are, you proceeded to prove yourself why women don't belong in motorsports by attacking your own team in a public address at the track saying it was "not your fault", and the car had you "trembling in fear". So much for a team effort, but maybe it was just that time of the month? Of course it wasn't your fault Dear Danica, forget the fact that you were the one driving the car. I suppose your win in Japan 2008 wasn't your fault either?
And how dare they give you a "scary car" to drive! Sweetheart, if you can't handle fear you're in the wrong business. Perhaps cooking and cleaning are more up your alley? A real race driver feels exhilaration at high speed or exacerbation at handling problems, but never fear. Fear has no place in driving, and certainly no place in racing. After hearing your comments, it's the other drivers who should be scared to share the track with you. Confidence and absence of fear are the cornerstones of a real racing driver, so it's really no surprise you said what you said, since you're more of a marketing puppet than a racing driver.
Even as a marketing puppet you fail. You're certainly no sex symbol, having a plain face and ordinary body (your photos are so heavily retouched they're barely recognizable as you), you're not well spoken, you're not interesting, and as you've clearly demonstrated on the track, you're not talented. So why are you so popular?
The same reason you can't drive. You're a woman.
Now go do my laundry and make me some dinner.
Yours for Equal Rights,
The Gimp
