The first thing you need to know about driving in California is there's no training program required. That's right. All you really need to know to get a license in California is how to read and write, and guess what? You don't even have to do that in English.
Of course if you already have a license that's pretty standard procedure in any state, but what if you're just turning 18 or for some other reason have never driven before and want to start driving in California? Surely then you'll need to know how to drive and be able to prove it, right?
Not exactly.
If you're over 18, all you'll need to do is pass a 36 question traffic laws and sign test, and then schedule a driving test.
There! A driving test! Surely during this test it will become grossly apparent if an individual is unable to drive, right?
Not exactly.
The driving test is little more than a glamorized traffic laws and sign test, much like the written one. If your definition of "being able to drive" is simply recognizing the throttle from the brake, knowing what the "D", "R" and "P" means on transmission, and being able to operate your turn signals, then I suppose this could be a test to determine driving ability.
But the reality of the situation is that the State of California really doesn't care if you are able to drive or not, they just care if you know how many feet visibility you'll need before you have to stop at an unmarked railroad crossing (loads of them in California), what the pretty colors painted on the curbs mean, and of course that Speed Kills.
So it's no wonder that the residents of California, without any training or knowledge on how to actually control a car, have come up with their own methods of navigating their two tonne machines along the highways and byways of the Sunshine State, methods that defy both common sense and basic physics.
The following is a list The Gimp has compiled of common California driving tactics, from years of experience driving in California. Being aware of these tactics can save your life, adopting these tactics will ensure you blend in with California traffic and greatly increase your chances of an accident involving serious injury, death, and large amounts of property damage. But you know what they say- "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em."
The Santa Ana Flick
This lane-changing technique is named after the Scandinavian Flick used by professional rally drivers. It involves moving all the way to the left side of your lane before initiating a lane change to the right, or vice versa. To properly execute this technique, you'll need to actually cross the lines of the side of your lane opposite to the lane you are trying to get into (see video example below). So if your lane change is to the right, you'll need to drop your tires into the left lane before starting your lane change to the right. A variation of this technique would be to drop your tires in the lane the same direction you are changing to, but this variation is less effective at creating confusion and road rage.
The Written Invitation
Whenever you're making a right turn on red or any unprotected (no signal) turn, wait until you are actually "invited" to do so and ignore whether or not you can safely make the turn. Most drivers (especially female) wait for an actual written invitation or divine intervention to complete their turn, but since these often never arrive, an acceptable invitation would be a car approaching quickly whose progress you can impede. An unacceptable invitation would be a temporary green arrow like in the photo to the right (California drivers don't pay attention to traffic lights anyway). Never, under any circumstances, respond to the honking of people behind you. You're not in a hurry, why should they be? This can also be successfully applied to lane changes, especially if you are the first one stopped at a light and need to get over before the next light. Forget pushing the throttle harder to make your car go faster so you can safely make the lane change in front of traffic, instead put your blinker on and inch away from the light and wait for a written invitation to make your lane change. If you started in the middle lane of a three lane road, doing this will ensure you hold up and inconvenience all three lanes and increase the chances for a rear end collision, road rage and unsafe lane changes behind you.
The Fast Lane
In California, they drive on the right side of the road. In most countries that drive on the right side, the left lane is considered the fast lane. Not in California. In California, everything is backwards. Most often on a freeway, the left lane is the slowest lane with the far right lane remaining completely empty. As soon as you get on the freeway, make a mad dash for the left lane no matter how slow you're going, and be sure to hold up traffic in each lane as you move over. If there's a carpool lane, get into it, even if your speed is significantly slower than everyone else, and under no circumstances move to the right if a faster car comes up behind you. Hey, you don't need to drive any faster, why should they?
Strength in Numbers
We all know there's safety and security in groups, never is that more apparent than on California roads. Forget that driving in packs greatly increases the chances of multiple chain reaction collisions. Instead, ensure that your vehicle is surrounding on all sides by other cars, especially in your blind spots. Fish school for safety, why not cars?
Community Turn
Whenever you need to make a turn using a turning lane (or suicide lane), or exit a freeway with a slow down lane, make sure you do the majority of your braking PRIOR to entering the turning or slow down lane. The sharper you apply the brakes, the better. This ensures that all traffic behind you is involved in your turn by needing to slam on their brakes to match your lower speed. Remember, you need to make the turn for a reason, it's not your fault everyone else is not aware of it. It's your job to make them. Try not to let the honking horns, squealing of tires, and sounds of metal on metal carnage behind distract you. After all, speed kills, so if there were any accidents, it just means the cars behind you were driving too fast.
Turn Signal Etiquette
In most states and countries, the turn signal is used to indicate a driver's intention to other drivers, thus making traffic flow smoother and safer. Not in California. In California, using a turn signal in the correct manner will only guarantee you'll never be able to make the lane change or turn. In California, when you see someone indicating a lane change using their turn signal, it means you need to speed up to make the lane change impossible. Whenever you need to make a lane change or turn, use the indicator AS you are making the lane change, and never maintain your speed (lift off the throttle and slow down if the lane is moving faster). This ensures that you have a right or entitlement to that lane regardless of who is in it. They can adjust their speed, after all you have a reason to make the lane change, it's not your fault they're unaware of it. Leave insignificant things like checking the mirrors and over your shoulder to the rookies, or if you do check your mirrors, check to make sure the lane is occupied and the change is impossible before putting on your turn signal. Then apply "The Written Invitation" to your lane change, ensuring that you hold up and inconvenience as many drivers behind you as you can.
Economy of Space
If you ever see an empty lane on the freeway or more than one car length empty between cars, change into that lane. This is especially true during traffic when you see motorists and trucks "gapping" traffic so as to reduce collisions and increase efficient traffic flow. What they're really doing is saving some empty space just for you. So even if your lane is moving faster, if you see empty space, move into it. Make it a point to move into empty space immediately. Force your car over, slow down and hold up your lane. Involve as many fellow motorists as possible. After you have filled the space in the new lane, you may have noticed empty space in the lane you just vacated. Using the same technique, move back into your original lane to fill that space, continue this process until you reach your destination.
A variation of this technique can be used on surface streets. It involves making useless "urgent" lane changes, which mimic a driver needing to get over to make a turn or enter a freeway. For example, if the lane next to you is occupied and you are approaching an intersection, move into it even if you don't have to. For maximum effectiveness, hold up as many cars as you can behind you; come to a complete stop in the middle of the road if no one will let you over. If you're a more ballsy driver, make your lane change into a space that is less than a car length so that you make sure you cut off the motorist in that lane. After you get into that lane, continue through the intersection or past the freeway on-ramp, just like you would have had you stayed in your original lane.
Fast In/Slow Out
If you have even a passing interest in motorsports, you've no doubt heard the phrase "slow in/fast out" referring to how to handle a corner in the fastest manner possible. In California, that phrase is backwards. California is loaded with cambered freeway off-ramps, on-ramps, and transition roads designed to make these corners safe at speeds much higher than the advisory signs state, if taken properly (as a rule The Gimp doubles the advised speed to find the true safe speed). The key to taking one of these corners in California is to only look ten feet in front of your vehicle. Enter these corners at a comfortably high rate of speed and turn in very early to ensure that all the Caltrans workers and engineers time and effort spent on the banking was completely in vain. Use the banking to slow your vehicle down from the aggressive understeer you induced from your early entry, to almost a stop at the exit of the turn, and watch the cars pile up behind you. Then, continue on your merry way.
See video example below.
Basically there are two inherent truths you need to ignore when you're driving in California:
1. Inconsistent speed combined with tailgating is the primary cause of gridlock. Theoretically all cars could run nose to tail filling all lanes at a constant speed, provided they maintained that constant speed and distance to other cars.
2. The second cause of gridlock is incorrectly executed lane changes. The Gimp's Lane Changing Law: "The greater the difference in speed between cars, the more difficult the lane change."
Completely eradicating these common sense truths from your mind will ensure you fit in well with drivers in California.
So why is this the case? Are California drivers just stupid? Well a lot of them are, but the real reason is because the State of California is more interested in the revenue they can generate from motorists than actually saving their lives.
Don't be fooled by the NHTSA either. While "safety" is part of name of this agency of the Department of Transportation, the Federal Government's main concern is turning drivers into wards of the state by encouraging ignorance and thus less personal freedom, not keeping them safe. A few people dying in the process only serves as reiteration of their scare (i.e. control) campaign.
So now that we know some common driving behaviors in California, what about the people behind these behaviors, the drivers? Stay tuned for Part 2 of this special series, where The Gimp will profile some of the drivers and cars you'll encounter while driving the roads of California.
