10 Things More Exciting Than Baseball

Whenever The Gimp leaves home, he always makes sure as many electrical appliances are on as possible. He gets up, turns on all the lights and the TV, and then leaves for the day. The Gimp is serious about doing his part to combat Global Cooling. It's for the kids! I mean, someone's got to think about our future generations.

When The Gimp returns home, he's generally greeted by his television (always tuned to Fox before The Gimp leaves) showing anything from a talk show featuring a big black cross dresser who calls himself "Wendy Williams" to a Turkish doctor with a down under name who's simultaneously trying to help fat people lose weight, and convince perfectly healthy people that'll they'll be dead within a week.

However, on the blistering afternoon of July 13th, 2010 The Gimp was instead greeted by the 2010 Baseball All-Star game when he arrived home. What the fuck? Wasn't the World Series a couple months ago? Does this "game" ever stop?

I suppose baseball doesn't need a longer break, because why would you even need a break when all you do is stand around scratching your nuts all day?

The dictionary defines sport as a "competitive physical activity" that involves "physical exertion or skill". Do baseball fans honestly think that throwing or hitting a ball and brief spurts of running no more than 90 feet at a time with unlimited breaks in between is even in the same "ballpark" as a sport?

The Gimp doesn't, so inspired by the boredom of the All-Star Game, he's compiled a list of ten activities that are not only more entertaining to watch than baseball, but also more challenging to engage in and more of a sport than baseball.

1. Soccer

Most Americans are quick to point out how incredibly boring soccer is to watch, but when compared to baseball....well you can't really compare soccer to baseball since soccer is a sport, but let's do it anyway. First of all, soccer requires that all players are almost constantly in motion, running up and down the field. Baseball requires exactly the opposite. Very rarely are any of the players in baseball moving, and when they are it's only for very short periods of time. Actually, baseball is one of the rare team "games" that only really involves two players (or a maximum of three) during play. The rest simply stand around and look stupid. Think about it. Pitcher, hitter, catcher, and then after the ball is hit, runner, fielder, and baseman. In soccer, it's literally all of the players (with the exception of goalkeeper) who are constantly involved.
See for yourself. Which one of these two looks like an athlete who plays sports?

2. Poker (Texas Hold 'Em)

Poker is inherently more entertaining to watch than baseball, in large part because it involves a far greater level of action and excitement than baseball does.
However like baseball, the players in poker do nothing physical, but unlike baseball at least the players are smart enough to sit instead of stand. That could be because poker requires a great deal more intelligence to play than baseball. Poker players have to know when to fold, call and raise. They need to know the mathematical odds of their cards being the best hand, and the odds of other players having a better hand, in a dynamic and constantly changing environment. They need to have confidence, intelligence, balls, patience and discipline in order to succeed. In baseball, you simply have to be there, and occasionally lift your glove to catch a ball and then throw it to another player. Or swing your bat at a ball coming towards you, and then run after it's been hit, although apparently even this is too complicated for baseball players which is why they need first and third base coaches to tell them when to run. There are no flop and river coaches in poker, you're on your own.

3. Hot Dog Eating Contest

What's more entertaining than watching a fat guy stuff meat by-products wrapped in a bun down his throat? Watching a skinny guy do it, and you'll see both at a Hot Dog Eating contest. Any idiot can compete it baseball (proved by watching any game), but in order to compete in a Hot Dog Eating contest, one usually has to be a defending champion or specifically invited.
The rules are pretty simple, he who eats the most hot dogs wins, however the tactics and risk of injury or death make this a far more complex and interesting competition than baseball. Players have different methods of ingesting their hot dogs, like six time Hot Dog Eating Champion Takeru Kobayashi who employs the Solomon Method, breaking the hot dog in half, eating the two halves at once, and then the bun. Some choose to wash their dogs down with cups of water while others employ more conventional methods. This event is the ultimate test of the human digestive system, and although the action at the event trumps any sort of action you'll see at a baseball diamond, The Gimp reckons the real action at these events happens at the Porta Potties after the competition has ended.

4. Chess

The ultimate form of war, the object of Chess is to annihilate your opponent's army, with the win going to the first person to capture their opponent's King. Sounds a lot more interesting than hitting a ball and running, doesn't it? Not only is it more interesting, but it's also far more complex involving strategy and tactics most baseball players wouldn't even understand yet alone be able to emulate. Chess is an exciting mental contest that since the advent of Chess Boxing is now a physical activity as well. Puts the girly sport of baseball in perspective, doesn't it?

5. Wife Carrying

Wife carrying involves brute strength and the humiliation and abuse of females. How can you get any more manly than that? Originating as a joke in Finland, this sport involves male competitors racing through an obstacle course while carrying a female teammate. Exactly how they carry their teammate is part of the strategy of the sport, which is already more complex than baseball. Several types of carry may be utilized including piggyback, fireman's carry (over the shoulder), and The Gimp's personal favorite- Estonia style, where the wife hangs upside down with her legs around the husband's shoulders holding on to his waist. Although not as interesting as The Gimp first thought (the wife is hanging on the man's back, not the front. Use your imagination) it still gets high marks for the amount of abuse the woman is subjected to. So this sport is more physically challenging than baseball, more strategy dependant than baseball, more entertaining to watch than baseball, and it abuses women. No competition.
Ladies, just make sure you don't make your fella beans for breakfast on the day of the competition. The lady in the photo had to learn the hard way.

6. Nose Picking

Rhinotillexomania, the clinical term for nose-picking, is viewed by most as a disgusting and disturbing habit. As an activity to watch, it's action rivals baseball, but what makes this activity a more sporting activity to engage in goes way beyond that. In baseball, the danger of injury or death is almost nonexistent, which only serves to increase the pointlessness of the game, the laziness of the players, and the boredom that comes from observing them. Nose-picking however, actually has a high level of inherent risk. You see, the nose is located on a portion of the human body known as "The Danger Triangle" (the Danger Triangle is found on the face by tracing from one corner of the mouth over the bridge of the nose to the other corner of the mouth). Since this area is in close proximity to the brain, it shares the same blood supply as the brain, so anytime there is an infection in this area, the risk is present that it could spread to the brain. It goes without saying that nose-picking greatly increases the chance for such an infection, yet these nose-picking warriors face death on a daily basis and still soldier on with fervor and gusto. The greatest threat to a baseball player is a meteor falling out of the sky and hitting him. No wonder they look so bored on the field.

7. Rock/Paper/Scissors

If baseball players played this game instead of standing around scratching their nuts and waiting for action, they would be using more of their brains than if they were actually one of the three players involved in play. Popularized in Japan in the late 19th century, this thrilling contest puts two competitors face to face in a battle of wits and creative talent. Each player must randomly choose to represent a rock, paper, or scissors and then "throw" their selection down at the same time as their opponent, molding their hands to represent one of the three options. There are three possible outcomes from a showdown, win, draw, or lose. Unlike baseball where they stand around all night if there's a draw, a draw in Rock Paper Scissors (or RPS) is handled immediately with a rematch. The strategy behind the throw, coupled with the intense, constant action makes this a much better candidate for the Great American Pastime.

8. Camel Wrestling

This spectator sport originated in Turkey and mimics the sort of antics you might also observe at The FoxFire night club on a Saturday night. Two male camels are placed in a ring, and a female camel in heat is led before them. The camels engage, spraying the audience with foamy saliva and urine, with the winner being the first camel to make the other scream, retreat or fall. While this sport does not allow human contestants, the dodging of saliva and urine by the spectators is already a greater challenge than anyone playing the game of baseball would ever face, and decidedly more interesting and exciting as well.

9. Pillow Fighting

The photos speak for themselves-

Oh yeah, and it's still more challenging for the participants than baseball, and as for the spectators? Well, I think only the gays and ugly would disagree with The Gimp on this one.

10. Moustache Championship

Participating in a Moustache Championship requires pretty much the same level of physical exertion and skill as baseball, but with much more preparation required. Participants in this competition have to endure months of humiliation and personal discomfort as they walk around with hideous clumps of hair mounted to their face. Not only is heavy preparation required by the participants, but tactics are also an important part of the championship. Where a baseball player just needs to decide whether to swing at a ball or run, the professional moustache competitor must first choose from four separate brackets of facial hair- Moustache, Sideburn, Partial Beard or Full Beard. Then he must choose his individual style, whether it be a classic design like The Imperial, or whether they want to go freestyle and really shake up the place. Whatever he decides, he has to commit months of his life for his sport with many personal sacrifices involved. Notwithstanding the intense commitment of the competitors, the sport also ranks higher than baseball on the spectator front. Take a look for yourself, and I think you'll agree the Moustache Championship is much more interesting to see than a bunch of fat guys in tight pants scratching their balls on a summer afternoon.

The Gimp shouldn't really poke fun at the players though. They're getting paid millions to do nothing, can you blame them? But what about the fans, the fans that actually pay to watch these out of shape men stand around scratching their balls? Or worse yet, sit at home and watch them on TV?

If any of your friends try to convince you that baseball is indeed a sport and you're just not giving it a chance, remember the famous quote attributed to Ernest Hemingway-

"Auto racing, bull fighting, and mountain climbing are the only real sports....all others are just games."